Be self controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." - 1 Peter 5:5-8
So this is exactly the kind of blog I was hoping that I wouldn't have to write. But if I'm honest, its probably the one that will be the most impacting. And the whole reason that I started writing was so that these struggles of mine could be brought into the light and spoken about openly, believing that others struggle like I do. And that my honesty and vulnerability will challenge others to move towards admitting their own struggles, letting go, healing and freedom.
Here goes...
Saturday was rough. Not on the surface, but in my heart and in my mind. I should have known. I know better than to begin my day without quiet, alone time with God. I've developed such a faithful habit lately, waking early to read my Bible, pray and journal. It doesn't always appear to have a huge impact, but it does. Beginning the day focused on and surrendered to Christ is key to victory over ALL struggles and sins.
Anyway, Saturday morning we slept in ("sleeping in" for Joe and I means sleeping until 6:30 when the boys get up.) It was a big day- my son Joey had his first belt test for Tae Kwon Do and we were all excited. I drove the boys to the testing location at 8:30 and Joe met us there after his workout. I stayed for an hour or so, but then took Levi home. At age 2 1/2, there was no way he was going to tolerate the 6 hour event. Levi and I had an alright time at home- quiet, a little bored, always kind of waiting and wondering when the other guys would be back.
Joe had forgotten his cash so was unable to buy much in the way of snacks for them. By 2:30 pm when they finally finished, they were all starving. Joe mentioned that he was going to stop on the way home and pick something up. They arrived home with a huge bag from KFC- fried chicken, biscuits and mashed potatoes. Delicious, salty, fatty fast food. We sat down at 4pm for a very odd early dinner. I was completely thrown off of my eating "routine," nibbling a little of the KFC and having a bowl of cereal to finish it off. I know I said I wasn't going to eat cereal, that it was a trigger food for me, but at the time it seemed better than a buttery biscuit. Saying no altogether didn't really occur to me even though I wasn't actually hungry.
That strange snack set in motion a 6 hour binge that left me feeling stuffed, uncomfortable and defeated. I think I consumed 6 bowls of cereal over the course of the evening along with some bread and butter and a burrito for "dinner" in the midst of it though no one else was hungry for an actual dinner after the early meal. (of course, neither was I.) I can't remember if I ate anything else... probably. No sweets though. Ironically, I stuck to that commitment. I wasn't angry, I wasn't depressed, I wasn't experiencing any particular emotion that would drive me to eat, though it would have still been wrong if I had been. I was just overcome by the desire to eat. To chew. To taste. To swallow. To get more and taste again. It was just plain cravings. It was gluttony. It was sin. And it had complete control.
Today as I've spent time praying, reading my Bible, journaling and thinking about what happened, I am so humbled. Again and again I believe that I'm strong enough, that I've got this. And of course I don't. The moment my defenses are down, the moment I'm caught off guard, temptation surges in and I feel unable to resist it. I MUST begin every day on my knees before my Lord, admitting my weakness and giving Him complete authority. Submitting to Him, confessing sin, dying to myself and surrendering.
There are going to be more days like yesterday. More days that are different, when my routine gets messed up. I can't rely on my routine to bring victory. I must rely on my God.
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers (and sisters), in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God- this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- His good, pleasing and perfect will. For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgement, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you." Romans 12:1-3
I've been seeing today that this is much more about why and when I eat than it is about what I eat. I've always known this. I may have mentioned it in an earlier post. I think that for some of us, eliminating certain trigger foods- whether it be for a time or forever- can be helpful by removing the greatest temptation. I will stick with my commitment to no sweets for this reason, and firmly add cereal/crackers/chips to that list. However, the bigger issue here is the action of eating for self centered reasons. I think there are two appropriate reasons to eat and two only. The biggest and most obvious being hunger- we need to fuel our bodies. The second being fellowship/community. Sharing a meal with loved ones is an extremely meaningful event. (and hopefully, living a self controlled life, one would be coming hungry to a meal with others!!) God created food to taste good and of course he means us to enjoy it... in the context of those two situations. In my journey, this brings me to snacking. And not necessarily just snacking on "bad foods," but the habit of snacking in general. Why do I do it?? Is my stomach genuinely growling between meals telling me I need a bit of something to help me make it until its time to eat again? Sometimes. But most of the time I snack because its "snack time." This is what I'm going to be praying about this week. This is a habit I've been clinging to that is setting me up for wrong, destructive, self-centered behavior. I very rarely struggle with food abuse in a meal-time situation. Its almost always between meals or after dinner in the late evening. Perhaps God is nudging me that its time to let go. Time to allow more space- in my day, in my mind and in my stomach.
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