So I'm not a very consistent blogger. But that does not mean that I'm not continuing along in this process! Quite the contrary- it has been a remarkable month.
Its hard to know where to begin. I think I last posted after my breakdown when I found myself binging again, even though it wasn't on sweets. Clearly, this struggle is not JUST about sugar, though sugar plays a major role. The next couple weeks leading up to Easter were just ok. I continued to abstain from sweets, but my cravings did not subside. I continued to wish that I could have them. The mental battle was exhausting. Easter was the time that I had decided I would try sweets again, in moderation. Theoretically, it takes 6 weeks to form a habit, and it had been 6 weeks since I went off of them. I was ready to be done, I thought. But as Easter approached, my cravings intensified. I prayed about it, hoping that there would be some change, never considering that perhaps I wasn't finished with this process yet. The night before Easter Joe and I went out on a date and I decided it was close enough and bought myself a big chocolate cookie. No big deal, I thought. Though I did feel incredibly guilty- all those old thoughts of "cheating" crept back in. I didn't really enjoy it, but of course ate the whole thing. On Easter we had friends over and had a wonderful, healthy dinner. There was dessert- berry crisp and homemade ice cream. I did pretty well. One serving... and a little more ice cream later. Monday dawned and it was bad news from the moment I woke up. I was right back in sugar mode. I took my kids to Corner Bakery and ate a huge cinnamon chip muffin in about 5 minutes. At home I followed it with candy, cereal, and anything else crunchy or sweet I could get my hands on. I even made a batch of no-bake cookie dough, ate half of it and threw the rest away. My kids didn't even know what I was doing as they sat watching TV in the next room. We ordered pizza and cheesy breadsticks for dinner (why the heck not?), then more cereal, more ice cream... and on and on. By the end of the day I wanted to throw up- both physically and emotionally. Wow. Again. Seriously?? And with a vengeance. What was the point of the last 6 weeks??
When Joe got home from work I confessed. We sat on the couch and I sobbed uncontrollably, finally admitting that I needed to take this sugar addiction thing very seriously. I had tried to bring it under control- on my terms. On my timeline. Even though I said I was giving up sweets, I always believed it was only for a little while and that I didn't need to be extensive in the changes to my diet. I never tried to follow a proven method to get off it- I was convinced that it wasn't that hard and I could do it my way.
So I ordered a couple of books on the topic and began preparing for the real deal. This meant eliminating ALL sugar, which I learned also included all refined grains (flour) from my diet. No cereal, no bread, no crackers, no pasta, etc. Even though they don't taste sweet, our bodies respond to it all basically the same way. This was scary. And depressing. I couldn't believe how many times I found myself crying over the thought of these changes. Both the idea of never being able to taste these foods again, and the thought of being so different from those around me- not being able to share in celebrations or gatherings like everyone else- was devastating. It seemed so unfair. And the weight of the sacrifices kept getting heavier and heavier. Was it worth it? Was this really necessary? And then I looked at the alternative: being on the hamster wheel again. Fighting cravings or feeling guilty about giving in. Being consumed with thoughts of food. Never being satisfied. Feeling like a slave to exercise. And on a larger scale, mood swings. True bouts with depression. Sugar highs and brutal crashes. The tiredness. Anger, impulsiveness, and teaching my kids these same habits. I felt trapped. Neither alternative felt right. I'm supposed to be seeking freedom, but by going off sugar I was creating even more rules and boundaries for myself in order to be free of sugar. That's not the life I want to live! But I felt like there was no choice. For my family, for my sanity, I had to continue moving forward.
5 days ago I got to a true breaking point. Joe was gone working late and I was reading, reading, reading. I was starting my third book on the topic in 9 days. And I kept feeling heavier and heavier. Like the words themselves were pushing me into the ground. I finally put the book down and picked up my journal and the desperation poured out of my pen onto the paper: "My head is spinning out of control. There is so much information, so many methods... I want to say forget it and throw in the towel... Its going to drive me to insanity soon. God, I can't do this anymore!!! I'm not strong enough!...HOW DO I DO THIS? Moderation sounds wonderful. That's what I want, desperately! But I've always failed at moderation. It always becomes about rules and then breaking them. Always. And so I make MORE rules... more and more... on and on. And its still all I think about. I want to say I'm done. I quit."
And then I put down my pen, crying, and sat in silence. And waited. I finally sensed that I really DID need to give up. That's what He'd been asking me to do all along. And then He brought the words of an old hymn to mind:
"All to Jesus, I surrender, all to Him I freely give; I will ever love and trust Him, in His presence daily live. I surrender all, I surrender all, all to Thee, my blessed Savior, I surrender all.
All to Jesus I surrender; humbly at His feet I bow, worldly pleasures all forsaken; take me, Jesus, take me now. I surrender all...
All to Jesus I surrender; make me Savior wholly thine; fill me with thy love and power; truly know that thou art mine. I surrender all..."
And like steam clearing from a mirror, I began to see what I needed to do. I didn't need to die to the cravings, or die to the food. I needed to die to myself. This wasn't about me and I'd been trying very hard to make it be about me from the beginning. My methods, my timeline, my plan.
This was about Christ.
"Then He said to them all, 'if anyone would come after Me he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Me will save it.'" Luke 9:23, 24
When I looked up surrender in the dictionary, these were some of the definitions I found:
- To yield something to the possession or power of another; deliver up possession on demand or under duress.
- To give up, abandon or relinquish
- To yield or resign
- To give oneself up, as to the power of another; submit or yield.
I didn't need to "say no" to sweets. I didn't need to "cut them out" or take any other drastic, legalistic measure. I needed to utterly and completely surrender them and the associated habits. I needed to stop trying to change myself, give up, and trust God to do it. The funny thing about this revelation is that it doesn't change much about what I had been doing from the outside. My diet is drastically different than what it was. I still need to let go of lots of foods I previously ate all the time. And its working- I do see a wonderful difference in my behavior, moods and thoughts as a result. There is science behind this struggle and following the suggestions of experts has been helpful. With my surrender I didn't get the go-ahead to start eating sugar again though I hoped I might. I don't know if I ever will. But the motivation is different. I don't feel like there is a set of rules in place that I'm trying to live under and resenting.
The following passage in Galatians has been particularly powerful in understanding God's plan in all of this:
"So I say, live by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law." Galatians 5:16-18
So how do I live by the Spirit? This was something I never really understood. I'm seeing that it means to seek to know the Lord more deeply than I ever have before and lean on Him every moment. Spend time in the Bible and prayer each day- real time. Get to know Him intimately. Memorize verses. And ask Him to help me surrender, ask Him to prepare me for what is ahead today, to give me what I need to face it. Admit that I cannot do it- He has to. I'm dependent on Him. I give up. As I breathe in and breathe out, Christ. And then an amazing thing happens. Though the sacrifice appears the same from the outside, I'm not "under the law"... weighted down by, burdened by, and oppressed by the law. (For me right now, "the law" translates to restrictions on my diet and the responsibility to resist cravings and temptations that come my way.)
The heaviness is gone for the first time. My cravings are subsiding, significantly. I have joy and peace. I don't know what the future holds. I don't have a timeline. And I don't feel the need to be to the extreme of legalism because I don't feel scared of sugar and refined flour. Its a quantity thing (including sugar, fake sugar and refined flour). To be free, I need to have very, very little in my diet. But I still have a little honey in my coffee. And its ok. And I can still have wheat toast with my eggs in the morning. And its fine. The sugar in fruit is fine too, especially when I eat it with some fatty protein like nuts or peanut butter. I tried some frozen yogurt the other day and it wasn't a huge deal, but I didn't feel good about where my thoughts went afterwards, so next time I'll pass. I'm learning, and being patient with myself. I don't feel sad about not having chocolate or cookies or ice cream. They have never satisfied me the way I hope they will, the flavor only lasts for a moment and then I just want more. The emptiness of their absence is filling up with Christ and He is so much better. Grace is a beautiful thing. Living each day by God's strength and not my own is such a relief. And getting a taste of true freedom is better than any dessert.
I don't know if this is forever. Its for now. Its for today. He will always give me what I need for today.
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