Ready, set, die.

Now there's a crazy, morbid title, huh? Read on...

Its Saturday evening. My husband is out of town for the weekend, working. It was a long evening with the kids and I'm tired and burnt out. I'm a little lonely if I'm honest. I'm not used to quiet. And what I want to do... what I REALLY want to do... is shut the door to my 6 year old's bedroom for the night, pour myself a bowl of crunchy cereal and sit down in front of the t.v. And then have another bowl. And then the rest of that box of crackers. And then hit up the kids' candy box- there is lots of chocolate left over from Valentines Day. And then, since I poured the ice cream down the drain earlier today, probably settle for another bowl of cereal. That's what I want. That's what I do- pretty much every evening that I'm alone.

But not tonight. Tonight as the thoughts race around in my head as usual, as I fantasize about that moment of relief when I sit down for the night and sink my teeth into something crunchy and sweet, I remember that its not going to be what I do anymore. Its not going to be who I am anymore. But how?

I'm dying.

"My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."

Galatians 2:20

The binge eater is dying. The girl with a raging sweet tooth is dying. The secret keeper is dying. The wrapper and carton concealer is dying. The sneak, the glutton, the food worshiper... enough!! I want freedom more than I want chocolate. And I am surrendering the cravings and habits to my Jesus and trusting Him to bring new and beautiful life out of this death.

Thankfully, I'm not alone. I couldn't do this alone. Its one of the reasons I began this blog- I need accountability! We all do when dealing with habitual sin. I need to know in my mind that if I go back on my word I'll have to 'fess up right here. I also have a friend walking through this with me right here where I live. A precious woman who, with tears in her eyes and fists tightly clenched, admitted yesterday that she shares these struggles and wants freedom, too. She's terrified. I relate. Its a big deal!! A huge deal. I'm so grateful for her.

So what's the plan? Its actually not that complicated: to lay down the addictive foods and habits that control us for a relatively undefined amount of time- perhaps 6 weeks, but as long as it takes. The goal is total loss of cravings and compulsions, breaking of these habits and complete surrender. To come to a place of peace where we can honestly say, "If I never had sweets again it would be ok." (For me this means saying goodbye to sweet foods, desserts, candy, crunchy processed snacks like cereal, crackers, chips, and also trying to eliminate added sugar and no-calorie sweetener as much as possible from the rest of my diet) It also means letting go of eating in front of the tv, computer or any screen.

What happens next is something I'm still praying about and working through. But I think it will be a continuation of a similar lifestyle- maintaining the habit of not eating in front of screens because for me this is a HUGE trigger, continuing with a diet that is much lower in sugar than mine currently has been, and living life as a person who just doesn't eat sweets that often or ever when I'm by myself. Desserts will be something I say no to often and enjoy very occasionally in the company of friends or family, in very modest quantities. Never in secret. Never as a reward or a treat or a comfort. This is new for me. Revolutionary. To be someone who's life doesn't revolve around sweets and food whether I'm eating it or trying to resist it. Its hard to picture, but its possible and I'm headed in that direction. I'm so ready to be free.

Beautiful boundaries

As I've been perusing youtube videos and various websites about sugar addiction, I've discovered a common theme: "SUGAR IS POISON." And I wholeheartedly disagree. It is not sugar (whether in sweets or simple carbs like crackers, etc) that is to blame, but our abuse of it that has caused this problem in our culture. There are people who have a normal relationship with sugar who are able to take it or leave it, to eat it occasionally and enjoy it without letting it control them. More importantly, God created sugar for us to enjoy! He created sugar cane, He designed bees to make honey, He made fruit sweet so we (and other animals) would want to eat it.

But as our culture "advances," and corporations learn more about the addictive potential of sugary foods (salty/fatty foods have a similar effect), sugar content goes up and we crave more and more. Advertisements tell us that its an indulgence, a reward, that we deserve it- need it, even. Cake pops and candies dance around like ballerinas, chocolate seductively pours while the camera zooms in, women slowly lick the ice cream from their spoons in ecstasy. And we believe it. I certainly have. And instead of sweets being truly a "sometimes food," a term I use frequently with my kids, sweets become a daily necessity. I find myself having a hard time remembering the last day I DIDN'T have a sweet drink, a chocolate, candy, ice cream, a cookie, a scone, something.

I don't want to be a sugar nazi. Remember, I'm striving for BALANCE, discipline and FREEDOM. For now, eliminating as much sugar as possible from my diet is what is necessary. Total surrender. End the addiction. Change the behavior. However, true freedom to me means being able to go out to dinner, or have dinner with friends or cook for my family and enjoy the time without fretting about ingredients and inconveniencing people because of my specific dietary restrictions. Freedom means saying "no" to sweets most of the time and saying "yes" occasionally to a modest serving. Desserts can be a wonderful part of fellowship, whether its taking your kids out to ice cream, savoring pumpkin pie at thanksgiving, having a piece of birthday cake at a party or sharing a slice of cheesecake with your spouse. But for me, they have become the focus. The thought of not having any is terrible and I can't say no. And they are not something I have enjoyed occasionally, but rather all the time... usually daily.

Balance and boundaries. There are other wonderful things that become dangerous when boundaries are removed- take sex for example. Sex was created by God to be a beautiful act enjoyed within the boundaries of marriage to create intimacy, pleasure and of course children! Remove that important boundary and enter in heartbreak, STD's, unplanned pregnancies, affairs and pornography. Money, alcohol, television (to name just a few)... they can all be useful and enjoyable when appropriate boundaries are in place. Take the boundaries away and watch the problems arise.

Balance is tricky. Boundaries are vital. I am seeking to learn to implement and honor them in the area of food the same way I respect them in other areas of my life.

*Check out the "Ghiradelli Rendezvoux" commercial on youtube to see a great example of a company telling us we need sweets.

Frozen Boyfriends

Its only day 3 of this journey towards eliminating my sugar addiction, ending my compulsive eating, and becoming free of this burden I've carried for so long. Day 3. The Carpenters' song, "We've only just begun..." springs to mind. Its hard even to take myself seriously, let alone believe anyone else will. I've been here in some form or another so many times. Hundreds. So why is this time different? (Assuming of course that it IS different) Well, this is the first time I've been honest about what I'm struggling with. Most people know that the way you break an addiction (smoking, drinking, drugs, etc) is by completely removing it from your life. No one takes a smoker attempting to quit seriously if she says, "Well, I'm just going to have one a day from now on. I'm feeling strong- I can be self controlled." They know its only a matter of time before she's back at it. Its virtually impossible to quit without complete elimination, a defined plan and accountability. I've realized that I'm very much like that smoker. I've been trying to manage this rather than get rid of it completely. I've become so attached to my sweets that I can't imagine life without them. So I wean myself back, sometimes going without for a while or just having a bite of dark chocolate in the afternoon hoping it will curb the craving. I always intend to reintroduce them, hoping I will all of a sudden be self controlled or even better, not crave them anymore without any real effort on my part. But I never truly get over it. I always long for them and debate when its ok to have them again. Has it been long enough? (I could never go forever!) Its scary, sad, depressing, boring and seemingly impossible to imagine life without sweets. As I look those emotions in the face I am so convicted. Really?? They have sunk their claws in that deep?

I was watching a few minutes of "The Revolution" today, a new makeover show. Their current makeover-ee (??) is 3 months into her weight loss process and hasn't dropped nearly what she should have. She's exercising some and supposedly eating healthy. But then the trainer looked in her freezer and found her stash of ice cream. The show then flashed back to a clip of her at the beginning of the process, showing the camera her ice cream and cooing over it as she took bites, calling the cartons her "frozen boyfriends." Wow. She said it out loud. I laughed as I realized that this is such a perfect term!! Well boys, its time to break up.

Its ironic that I'm entering this process around the time of Lent. Today is Ash Wednesday. How many times have I "given up sweets for lent," secretly hoping I'd lose 5 pounds and not crave sweets anymore when the season was complete, but fully intending to enjoy Easter candy, desserts and treats the day lent ended. My focus has been so wrong. On the surface I've desired to be free of the temptation and the battle with the scale, but my heart has refused to let go. Deep down I am so attached, so in love with these foods that I always hope there can be a compromise. As long as I don't have to let go... all the way.

Slavery. Wrapped in a candy-coated shell.

Let's get something straight...

I've been thinking about the previous post (my first ever!!) for a few hours and I need to clarify something. This blog is not about food addiction. Its not about an eating disorder, or weight loss, or dieting. Its about victory. Its about what happens next. Its true, there may be some business to take care of first- whether its losing some extra weight, gaining some needed weight or just plain accepting the weight you are because deep down you know its just right. But then what? We rarely hear about what happens next. That's what BDF is all about. Balance, Discipline and Freedom. Learning to live in this culture of ours that is in love with extremes... and not embrace them.

I want you to walk with me through this process of letting go of my addiction to sugar and all the nasty habits that have developed along with it. Perhaps it will inspire you to take a similar journey, or one that is different but equally important. But that's just the beginning! This is really about the next part of the journey, the longer, lifetime one. Lets learn to go through the seasons of the year and the seasons of life without being enslaved to food, cravings, dieting, what the scale says, etc not because we've given up but because we have overcome. Our clothes fit right, we are comfortable and confident in our own skin and quite frankly, we have other things to think about. Can you imagine? Can you imagine not thinking about it anymore?? I will admit, its hard to picture. But I am so ready. Come with me...

Junk Drunk??

Well... this is a little intimidating. I love to write, but have never blogged before and I feel this PRESSURE!! Don't even know if anyone but me will be reading this, but still... someone could if they wanted to and that's a whole different thing than writing in a journal. So here goes.

Why a blog? I've been resisting joining the blog community for a loooooong time, but have had friends ask me to start one after hearing my story. It feels like the right next step. I hope it resonates with those of you who discover it.

My story is not that unique. Perhaps the unique part is that I admit what's going on. I have struggled as long as I can remember with being totally preoccupied with food. From age 12 or 13 I have had a raging "sweet tooth." Every occasion- from youth group in high school to Bible Study and other meetings as an adult- is made more special with treats. And if there aren't cookies, ice cream, scones or some other snack... its just not as fun to be there. But having a sweet tooth is normal, right? Pretty much all of America has one.

Along with the sweet tooth, I've always had an interest in health, fitness and nutrition. This probably started as a defense mechanism to combat my desire for dessert every day. If I ate healthy and exercised regularly, I could indulge my love of sugar most of the time and continue to fit into my jeans. For a very, very long time I have called this "balance."

But balance involves the ability to say no. And very often I find that I'm not able to do just that. My cravings ebb and flow. Sometimes self control is strong and I can go a couple days without any sweets. I can keep a bar of chocolate ("for medicinal purposes") in the cupboard and make it last a few days. And at other times, self control is non existent. I switch into autopilot, on a mission to find everything sweet and/or crunchy in my home and consume it... until the ache in my stomach makes me stop. Usually its when I'm alone at night, watching t.v. Occasionally its behind my husband's back or even right in front of my kids who are as yet too young to understand. The binges last a day or two or three until I'm entirely disgusted by myself and swing to the other side of the spectrum. I throw out everything "bad," exercise extra hard and long at the gym, and eat lean and healthy and "perfect" for a few days. Back and forth, back and forth. The middle ground of moderation is what I have not been able to find, at least for any extended period of time.

It might surprise you to learn that I'm not overweight, in fact I'm quite fit. My jeans are always my indicator, or the scale of course (that is, when I'm weighing myself which I have not done for the past 5 months). When my clothes fit easily I'm less careful or concerned about what I eat. But inevitably they get tighter, especially around the holidays (normal, right??), and I swing back into discipline mode. But if I'm fit and basically maintaining my weight, what's the big deal?

The big deal is that I'm a slave. And I'm sick of it. I am sick of being ruled by my cravings and the way my clothes fit. I want freedom! I want to be able to eat a balanced, healthy diet and not count calories. I want to exercise a moderate amount each week but not feel ruled by the need to get in 6 hard workouts just to keep me barely fitting into my pants. I want to enjoy food when I want to eat it but not feel like it controls me- that I HAVE to have it. I want to think about other things besides whether I am going to be able to be self controlled today OR how I can gratify whatever craving I'm currently having.

This isn't about knowledge or "making healthy choices." I'm well educated when it comes to nutrition and love healthy cooking and healthy eating. This is so much more than that. So much deeper.

There are so many different theories about why we overeat. And truthfully, I believe not everyone's reasons are the same. For some, it really is lack of knowledge. For others, lack of concern. For people like me, lack of control. But why the lack of control? I've tried prayer, I've tried fasting, I've tried diets, I've given up sweets for lent, I've tried rationing and just eating a very small portion each day. I've had periods of success when I was able to look to God for strength and say no to the temptations when they were glaring me in the face. And other times, often, I just don't care. Deep down I do, but the compulsion to eat is so strong.

I read a lot about nutrition. Now, as a licensed group fitness instructor I read even more. And one topic continues to catch my attention: Food Addiction, and specifically Sugar Addiction. Sounds like a cop out, doesn't it? Label the lack of self control as an addiction, take the blame off myself. Well, the closer I look at the behaviors and the more I learn, I'm not so sure it is a cop out. The behaviors are strikingly similar to those of a drug addict or alcoholic. Eating in secret, tuning out, being consumed by thoughts of food- how to get it or how to avoid it. And those are just a few. Now to be sure, the effects of an addiction like this are not as extreme- weight and health issues eventually, but with less dangerous outcomes to self and others. And the other glaring point- we have to eat. Is there a way to overcome it? Yes. Do I want to do it? Ummm, I think so. I have come to the point that I can admit that its just not worth it. I don't want to crave sugar (and for me, simple carbs too like crackers and cereal) anymore!!

Now. Does this mean that I am going to attempt to cut sugar out of my life forever? No. I believe in moderation and this would be extreme and legalistic. Perhaps there are people who need to cut it out forever, in the same way that many who struggle with alcohol addiction need to not touch a drop lest they fall back into it. However from what I've been reading, I believe that most people can overcome a sugar (or salt or other simple carb) addiction by cutting it out entirely for a time until the craving is truly gone and then reintroducing it at a very limited level. The addictive behavior comes into play when we consume amounts far greater than what our bodies are designed to handle. That's when we get "junk drunk."

Junk Drunk.... sugar addiction. Its real. Consuming sugary, fatty and/or salty foods to the point that our body craves more and more and becomes dependent on them, never feeling like its had enough. Perhaps not physically dependent, but emotionally and mentally for sure.

Finally, enough is enough. I'm ready to get sober.

This week I'm meeting with a girlfriend to decide on timeline and goals. I'll post the plan and of course continue to post through the journey. I'll share more of my story along the way, too. Praying this struck a chord for someone. Peace.