Its only day 3 of this journey towards eliminating my sugar addiction, ending my compulsive eating, and becoming free of this burden I've carried for so long. Day 3. The Carpenters' song, "We've only just begun..." springs to mind. Its hard even to take myself seriously, let alone believe anyone else will. I've been here in some form or another so many times. Hundreds. So why is this time different? (Assuming of course that it IS different) Well, this is the first time I've been honest about what I'm struggling with. Most people know that the way you break an addiction (smoking, drinking, drugs, etc) is by completely removing it from your life. No one takes a smoker attempting to quit seriously if she says, "Well, I'm just going to have one a day from now on. I'm feeling strong- I can be self controlled." They know its only a matter of time before she's back at it. Its virtually impossible to quit without complete elimination, a defined plan and accountability. I've realized that I'm very much like that smoker. I've been trying to manage this rather than get rid of it completely. I've become so attached to my sweets that I can't imagine life without them. So I wean myself back, sometimes going without for a while or just having a bite of dark chocolate in the afternoon hoping it will curb the craving. I always intend to reintroduce them, hoping I will all of a sudden be self controlled or even better, not crave them anymore without any real effort on my part. But I never truly get over it. I always long for them and debate when its ok to have them again. Has it been long enough? (I could never go forever!) Its scary, sad, depressing, boring and seemingly impossible to imagine life without sweets. As I look those emotions in the face I am so convicted. Really?? They have sunk their claws in that deep?
I was watching a few minutes of "The Revolution" today, a new makeover show. Their current makeover-ee (??) is 3 months into her weight loss process and hasn't dropped nearly what she should have. She's exercising some and supposedly eating healthy. But then the trainer looked in her freezer and found her stash of ice cream. The show then flashed back to a clip of her at the beginning of the process, showing the camera her ice cream and cooing over it as she took bites, calling the cartons her "frozen boyfriends." Wow. She said it out loud. I laughed as I realized that this is such a perfect term!! Well boys, its time to break up.
Its ironic that I'm entering this process around the time of Lent. Today is Ash Wednesday. How many times have I "given up sweets for lent," secretly hoping I'd lose 5 pounds and not crave sweets anymore when the season was complete, but fully intending to enjoy Easter candy, desserts and treats the day lent ended. My focus has been so wrong. On the surface I've desired to be free of the temptation and the battle with the scale, but my heart has refused to let go. Deep down I am so attached, so in love with these foods that I always hope there can be a compromise. As long as I don't have to let go... all the way.
Slavery. Wrapped in a candy-coated shell.
No comments:
Post a Comment