Ready, set, die.

Now there's a crazy, morbid title, huh? Read on...

Its Saturday evening. My husband is out of town for the weekend, working. It was a long evening with the kids and I'm tired and burnt out. I'm a little lonely if I'm honest. I'm not used to quiet. And what I want to do... what I REALLY want to do... is shut the door to my 6 year old's bedroom for the night, pour myself a bowl of crunchy cereal and sit down in front of the t.v. And then have another bowl. And then the rest of that box of crackers. And then hit up the kids' candy box- there is lots of chocolate left over from Valentines Day. And then, since I poured the ice cream down the drain earlier today, probably settle for another bowl of cereal. That's what I want. That's what I do- pretty much every evening that I'm alone.

But not tonight. Tonight as the thoughts race around in my head as usual, as I fantasize about that moment of relief when I sit down for the night and sink my teeth into something crunchy and sweet, I remember that its not going to be what I do anymore. Its not going to be who I am anymore. But how?

I'm dying.

"My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."

Galatians 2:20

The binge eater is dying. The girl with a raging sweet tooth is dying. The secret keeper is dying. The wrapper and carton concealer is dying. The sneak, the glutton, the food worshiper... enough!! I want freedom more than I want chocolate. And I am surrendering the cravings and habits to my Jesus and trusting Him to bring new and beautiful life out of this death.

Thankfully, I'm not alone. I couldn't do this alone. Its one of the reasons I began this blog- I need accountability! We all do when dealing with habitual sin. I need to know in my mind that if I go back on my word I'll have to 'fess up right here. I also have a friend walking through this with me right here where I live. A precious woman who, with tears in her eyes and fists tightly clenched, admitted yesterday that she shares these struggles and wants freedom, too. She's terrified. I relate. Its a big deal!! A huge deal. I'm so grateful for her.

So what's the plan? Its actually not that complicated: to lay down the addictive foods and habits that control us for a relatively undefined amount of time- perhaps 6 weeks, but as long as it takes. The goal is total loss of cravings and compulsions, breaking of these habits and complete surrender. To come to a place of peace where we can honestly say, "If I never had sweets again it would be ok." (For me this means saying goodbye to sweet foods, desserts, candy, crunchy processed snacks like cereal, crackers, chips, and also trying to eliminate added sugar and no-calorie sweetener as much as possible from the rest of my diet) It also means letting go of eating in front of the tv, computer or any screen.

What happens next is something I'm still praying about and working through. But I think it will be a continuation of a similar lifestyle- maintaining the habit of not eating in front of screens because for me this is a HUGE trigger, continuing with a diet that is much lower in sugar than mine currently has been, and living life as a person who just doesn't eat sweets that often or ever when I'm by myself. Desserts will be something I say no to often and enjoy very occasionally in the company of friends or family, in very modest quantities. Never in secret. Never as a reward or a treat or a comfort. This is new for me. Revolutionary. To be someone who's life doesn't revolve around sweets and food whether I'm eating it or trying to resist it. Its hard to picture, but its possible and I'm headed in that direction. I'm so ready to be free.