Junk Drunk??

Well... this is a little intimidating. I love to write, but have never blogged before and I feel this PRESSURE!! Don't even know if anyone but me will be reading this, but still... someone could if they wanted to and that's a whole different thing than writing in a journal. So here goes.

Why a blog? I've been resisting joining the blog community for a loooooong time, but have had friends ask me to start one after hearing my story. It feels like the right next step. I hope it resonates with those of you who discover it.

My story is not that unique. Perhaps the unique part is that I admit what's going on. I have struggled as long as I can remember with being totally preoccupied with food. From age 12 or 13 I have had a raging "sweet tooth." Every occasion- from youth group in high school to Bible Study and other meetings as an adult- is made more special with treats. And if there aren't cookies, ice cream, scones or some other snack... its just not as fun to be there. But having a sweet tooth is normal, right? Pretty much all of America has one.

Along with the sweet tooth, I've always had an interest in health, fitness and nutrition. This probably started as a defense mechanism to combat my desire for dessert every day. If I ate healthy and exercised regularly, I could indulge my love of sugar most of the time and continue to fit into my jeans. For a very, very long time I have called this "balance."

But balance involves the ability to say no. And very often I find that I'm not able to do just that. My cravings ebb and flow. Sometimes self control is strong and I can go a couple days without any sweets. I can keep a bar of chocolate ("for medicinal purposes") in the cupboard and make it last a few days. And at other times, self control is non existent. I switch into autopilot, on a mission to find everything sweet and/or crunchy in my home and consume it... until the ache in my stomach makes me stop. Usually its when I'm alone at night, watching t.v. Occasionally its behind my husband's back or even right in front of my kids who are as yet too young to understand. The binges last a day or two or three until I'm entirely disgusted by myself and swing to the other side of the spectrum. I throw out everything "bad," exercise extra hard and long at the gym, and eat lean and healthy and "perfect" for a few days. Back and forth, back and forth. The middle ground of moderation is what I have not been able to find, at least for any extended period of time.

It might surprise you to learn that I'm not overweight, in fact I'm quite fit. My jeans are always my indicator, or the scale of course (that is, when I'm weighing myself which I have not done for the past 5 months). When my clothes fit easily I'm less careful or concerned about what I eat. But inevitably they get tighter, especially around the holidays (normal, right??), and I swing back into discipline mode. But if I'm fit and basically maintaining my weight, what's the big deal?

The big deal is that I'm a slave. And I'm sick of it. I am sick of being ruled by my cravings and the way my clothes fit. I want freedom! I want to be able to eat a balanced, healthy diet and not count calories. I want to exercise a moderate amount each week but not feel ruled by the need to get in 6 hard workouts just to keep me barely fitting into my pants. I want to enjoy food when I want to eat it but not feel like it controls me- that I HAVE to have it. I want to think about other things besides whether I am going to be able to be self controlled today OR how I can gratify whatever craving I'm currently having.

This isn't about knowledge or "making healthy choices." I'm well educated when it comes to nutrition and love healthy cooking and healthy eating. This is so much more than that. So much deeper.

There are so many different theories about why we overeat. And truthfully, I believe not everyone's reasons are the same. For some, it really is lack of knowledge. For others, lack of concern. For people like me, lack of control. But why the lack of control? I've tried prayer, I've tried fasting, I've tried diets, I've given up sweets for lent, I've tried rationing and just eating a very small portion each day. I've had periods of success when I was able to look to God for strength and say no to the temptations when they were glaring me in the face. And other times, often, I just don't care. Deep down I do, but the compulsion to eat is so strong.

I read a lot about nutrition. Now, as a licensed group fitness instructor I read even more. And one topic continues to catch my attention: Food Addiction, and specifically Sugar Addiction. Sounds like a cop out, doesn't it? Label the lack of self control as an addiction, take the blame off myself. Well, the closer I look at the behaviors and the more I learn, I'm not so sure it is a cop out. The behaviors are strikingly similar to those of a drug addict or alcoholic. Eating in secret, tuning out, being consumed by thoughts of food- how to get it or how to avoid it. And those are just a few. Now to be sure, the effects of an addiction like this are not as extreme- weight and health issues eventually, but with less dangerous outcomes to self and others. And the other glaring point- we have to eat. Is there a way to overcome it? Yes. Do I want to do it? Ummm, I think so. I have come to the point that I can admit that its just not worth it. I don't want to crave sugar (and for me, simple carbs too like crackers and cereal) anymore!!

Now. Does this mean that I am going to attempt to cut sugar out of my life forever? No. I believe in moderation and this would be extreme and legalistic. Perhaps there are people who need to cut it out forever, in the same way that many who struggle with alcohol addiction need to not touch a drop lest they fall back into it. However from what I've been reading, I believe that most people can overcome a sugar (or salt or other simple carb) addiction by cutting it out entirely for a time until the craving is truly gone and then reintroducing it at a very limited level. The addictive behavior comes into play when we consume amounts far greater than what our bodies are designed to handle. That's when we get "junk drunk."

Junk Drunk.... sugar addiction. Its real. Consuming sugary, fatty and/or salty foods to the point that our body craves more and more and becomes dependent on them, never feeling like its had enough. Perhaps not physically dependent, but emotionally and mentally for sure.

Finally, enough is enough. I'm ready to get sober.

This week I'm meeting with a girlfriend to decide on timeline and goals. I'll post the plan and of course continue to post through the journey. I'll share more of my story along the way, too. Praying this struck a chord for someone. Peace.