Humble Pie

"...clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, 'God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.' Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be self controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." - 1 Peter 5:5-8

So this is exactly the kind of blog I was hoping that I wouldn't have to write. But if I'm honest, its probably the one that will be the most impacting. And the whole reason that I started writing was so that these struggles of mine could be brought into the light and spoken about openly, believing that others struggle like I do. And that my honesty and vulnerability will challenge others to move towards admitting their own struggles, letting go, healing and freedom.

Here goes...

Saturday was rough. Not on the surface, but in my heart and in my mind. I should have known. I know better than to begin my day without quiet, alone time with God. I've developed such a faithful habit lately, waking early to read my Bible, pray and journal. It doesn't always appear to have a huge impact, but it does. Beginning the day focused on and surrendered to Christ is key to victory over ALL struggles and sins.

Anyway, Saturday morning we slept in ("sleeping in" for Joe and I means sleeping until 6:30 when the boys get up.) It was a big day- my son Joey had his first belt test for Tae Kwon Do and we were all excited. I drove the boys to the testing location at 8:30 and Joe met us there after his workout. I stayed for an hour or so, but then took Levi home. At age 2 1/2, there was no way he was going to tolerate the 6 hour event. Levi and I had an alright time at home- quiet, a little bored, always kind of waiting and wondering when the other guys would be back.

Joe had forgotten his cash so was unable to buy much in the way of snacks for them. By 2:30 pm when they finally finished, they were all starving. Joe mentioned that he was going to stop on the way home and pick something up. They arrived home with a huge bag from KFC- fried chicken, biscuits and mashed potatoes. Delicious, salty, fatty fast food. We sat down at 4pm for a very odd early dinner. I was completely thrown off of my eating "routine," nibbling a little of the KFC and having a bowl of cereal to finish it off. I know I said I wasn't going to eat cereal, that it was a trigger food for me, but at the time it seemed better than a buttery biscuit. Saying no altogether didn't really occur to me even though I wasn't actually hungry.

That strange snack set in motion a 6 hour binge that left me feeling stuffed, uncomfortable and defeated. I think I consumed 6 bowls of cereal over the course of the evening along with some bread and butter and a burrito for "dinner" in the midst of it though no one else was hungry for an actual dinner after the early meal. (of course, neither was I.) I can't remember if I ate anything else... probably. No sweets though. Ironically, I stuck to that commitment. I wasn't angry, I wasn't depressed, I wasn't experiencing any particular emotion that would drive me to eat, though it would have still been wrong if I had been. I was just overcome by the desire to eat. To chew. To taste. To swallow. To get more and taste again. It was just plain cravings. It was gluttony. It was sin. And it had complete control.

Today as I've spent time praying, reading my Bible, journaling and thinking about what happened, I am so humbled. Again and again I believe that I'm strong enough, that I've got this. And of course I don't. The moment my defenses are down, the moment I'm caught off guard, temptation surges in and I feel unable to resist it. I MUST begin every day on my knees before my Lord, admitting my weakness and giving Him complete authority. Submitting to Him, confessing sin, dying to myself and surrendering.

There are going to be more days like yesterday. More days that are different, when my routine gets messed up. I can't rely on my routine to bring victory. I must rely on my God.

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers (and sisters), in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God- this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- His good, pleasing and perfect will. For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgement, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you." Romans 12:1-3

I've been seeing today that this is much more about why and when I eat than it is about what I eat. I've always known this. I may have mentioned it in an earlier post. I think that for some of us, eliminating certain trigger foods- whether it be for a time or forever- can be helpful by removing the greatest temptation. I will stick with my commitment to no sweets for this reason, and firmly add cereal/crackers/chips to that list. However, the bigger issue here is the action of eating for self centered reasons. I think there are two appropriate reasons to eat and two only. The biggest and most obvious being hunger- we need to fuel our bodies. The second being fellowship/community. Sharing a meal with loved ones is an extremely meaningful event. (and hopefully, living a self controlled life, one would be coming hungry to a meal with others!!) God created food to taste good and of course he means us to enjoy it... in the context of those two situations. In my journey, this brings me to snacking. And not necessarily just snacking on "bad foods," but the habit of snacking in general. Why do I do it?? Is my stomach genuinely growling between meals telling me I need a bit of something to help me make it until its time to eat again? Sometimes. But most of the time I snack because its "snack time." This is what I'm going to be praying about this week. This is a habit I've been clinging to that is setting me up for wrong, destructive, self-centered behavior. I very rarely struggle with food abuse in a meal-time situation. Its almost always between meals or after dinner in the late evening. Perhaps God is nudging me that its time to let go. Time to allow more space- in my day, in my mind and in my stomach.

Beyond the high

Wow!! Two weeks since my last post. That went fast! I went to Dallas for a yoga training conference, then my mom was here to visit, and then, well, life. I have to tell you that I'm not feeling very creative or inspired tonight so I apologize if this is a little blah. But sometimes, blah is good.

I'm sure that all of you reading this have been on a diet at some point. If you've been successful, you've lost some, if not all of the weight you hoped to lose. Its exhilarating, isn't it?? The feeling of your clothes becoming looser, the compliments and sometimes shocked comments, the numbers dropping on the scale. Its a total high. I think that the positive reinforcements are the strongest motivator to keep going- its so exciting to transform for the better. However, every diet ends, right? Most of us go back to the way we were living/eating before and the pounds slowly creep back on. A few of us change our lifestyle long-term and maintain a lower, healthier weight. Either way, all those great side benefits cease. Your clothes just feel like your clothes, the compliments cease because people get used to your new shape, the scale stops changing or even goes the other direction. Life becomes normal. And perhaps, you replace the high of dieting and losing weight with the old and familiar high of over-indulgence.

This process of letting go of sweets and processed junk food has felt a bit like a diet, though my goal isn't weight loss and the scale hasn't changed. But there has been a bit of a high for a time- the high of being successful, seeing that I can indeed say no, feeling powerful realizing that food doesn't have to control me, finding out what the Bible has to say about gluttony and addiction, beginning to feel free of the grip these foods have had on me. But just like a diet, the high begins to fade and it gets a little... boring. Routine. Same ol', same ol'.

That's where I'm at now. And this is when the REAL test begins. The novelty is gone and I'm really beginning the process of forming new habits, routines and thought patterns. I am 32 days into this journey. 32 days!! That's a loooooong time for the old me. I had actually lost count until I looked at my calendar just now. I'm slowly getting used to saying no to sweets and junk, but new situations are always presenting themselves and it always requires pulling up the old bootstraps and gritting my teeth and going without though I'm still so programmed to want to say "YES, PLEASE!!" Sometimes, its hard to even remember that I need to say no.

But here's what's been really helpful as I begin to form these new habits, this new way of living. In addition to recognizing that this is an addiction that I'm overcoming, its helpful to think of myself with other people who give up foods for important reasons, namely vegetarians and those with food allergies or food sensitivities. In reality, I DO have a sugar sensitivity. (Most of us do.) And rather than think of it as something I'm choosing to give up for a while (which always leads to a battle in my mind and the temptation to end the fast early), I'm thinking of it as a life long change that I'm making for my health and well being. My old habits are deeply ingrained and it takes a very long time to learn new ones and especially new ways of thinking. For example, that I can have a friend over for dinner and not serve dessert and believe that she's still blessed by the hospitality and enjoyed herself. Or that I can have my period and NOT have chocolate... and feel just fine. Or that people will be ok if I say no when offered something. I'm realizing that some people just don't care for sweets (like my dear husband) and no one gets offended when the offer is politely declined. I've just personally never felt like I could say no. Or didn't see any reason to.

I am often surprised by the struggle that still pops up when faced with sweets. But its getting easier. And the changes in my mind and heart and life are remarkable. First and foremost, I have not been tempted to binge. It has definitely crossed my mind many times. But when I'm only eating wholesome foods that aren't loaded with sugar, fat and salt, the craving just isn't as strong. Its truly amazing. Beyond that, life just feels quieter and calmer. Its easier to eat meals and snacks at designated times and not be fighting the urge to eat all day long. Before I began this process it was common for entire days to be oriented around what I was craving and how to get it or how to work off the sins of the past few days. Indulgence, guilt, indulgence, guilt, etc, etc, etc. I love not being in that cycle!! As I noted in a previous post, my tastes are changing. I enjoy foods that are much less sweet now- truly enjoy them! I also appreciate the other flavors and smells so much more. And the huge side benefit to all this is that my kids are also learning to enjoy a life with less sugar. (Though they still have sweets occasionally.) It makes me so proud to see them trying and liking new foods, being adventurous and slowly beginning to care about making healthy choices.

Anyway, that's probably enough for tonight. I am so thankful to be on this journey and am kind of still amazed that I'm actually on it. Sometimes I have a hard time believing that I really am being transformed. Thankfully its God who is giving me the strength and conviction to keep pressing forward. I have seen what happens when I try to overcome this addiction in my own strength and it is not pretty.

"I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

P.S. Watch for some resource references coming soon. I've discovered some pretty incredible articles on food addiction/sugar addiction and want to share them with you.

The Soap Opera Phenomenon

So its been a while since my last post! Sorry about that! I intended to blog twice a week, but life just got in the way this time. I'm thankful to report that I'm still plugging along in my "death to sugar addiction" adventure. I'm at day 15 with no sweets (desserts, candy, sweet pastries, etc.) I'm also cutting out other trigger snacks like crackers, cereal and other crunchy, processed simple carbohydrates. The goal, as I've stated, is not a certain amount of time going without them, or a certain number on the scale. The goal is loss of the craving. To not be compelled to eat them whenever I'm around them... to be able to say no. And to choose to say no most of the time.

Instead of processed crackers and cereal, I've been snacking on mostly veggies, fruit and nuts, also low sugar nonfat greek yogurt. I've lowered the sugar in my coffee to half a teaspoon, and am totally done with no-calorie sweeteners. I have not had any late night binges (this is the greatest acomplishment, thank you, Lord!!). I eat a light, healthy snack in the evening but NOT in front of a screen (my other big goal). I'm also trying to get used to ending meals without a sweet taste in my mouth. This is a tough one. I find myself wanting even just a bite of fruit- a strawberry or a bite of banana. There's nothing wrong with these things of course, but in this case they are substituting for dessert, fulfilling that need for sweet, not acting as part of a balanced meal.

Its been an encouraging process overall. Let me be honest- Its not without struggle and temptation. I went to a women's luncheon at church a week ago and knew that there would be chocolate- I mean, it was a WOMEN'S luncheon, after all. As I suspected, there was chocolate at every place setting as well as a plate of brownies and chocolate chip cookies in the center of every table. I let my accountability partner know where I was and that I was holding to my goals and saying no. Accountability helps so much!! And I enjoyed the luncheon very much, even without dessert. Now, am I saying that there shouldn't have been sweets and those women were evil to put them on the table?? No, of course not. Sweets can be an appropriate and wonderful thing to have on occasion. However, I do question the fact that we seem to assume that there HAS TO be chocolate if its a women's function. "Chocolate is a woman's best friend," and so forth. This shouldn't be the assumption! This is not how I want to live. I want to get to the point that I can enjoy a sweet treat occasionally without feeling like it controls me, or that its not a worthwhile event without dessert.

I drove out to my husband's work today to pick up some medicine for my baby. On the way back, my first thought was, "I should stop at Starbucks and treat us all to cake pops." Why? Because I successfully picked up the medication? We deserve a reward for that? I've gotten to the point that every unusual circumstance, rough day or slight achievement calls for a celebration or pampering with sweets. First of all, sweets should not be treated as a reward!! I am where I am today because of telling myself over and over that I "deserve" dessert. Second, even when there is a reason to celebrate and sweets are part of that celebration, my qualifications for celebrating have gotten really low. A birthday, yes. Picking up medication, no. Its fascinating to walk through these moments of temptation with an observant perspective. I see the way that my brain and emotions react, the way cravings flare up and thoughts consume me. Rather than feeling defeated, I just realize that I'm not there yet and I need to press on.

When I was a pre-teen and young teenager I got really into soap operas. General Hospital and Days of Our Lives were my favorites. I would watch them at my dad's with my step sister, and at my best friend's house. I was completely absorbed in the story lines, thought about the characters all the time and couldn't wait for the next episode to see what would happen next. I was so frustrated when I had to miss a few days. Then, a significant amount of time would pass without me being able to keep up with the shows. And to my amazement, rather than missing them that much more, I DIDN'T miss them. Not even a little. I forgot the plot lines and realized that the shows didn't need to be a part of my life. I find that the same phenomenon holds true as an adult with any show I think I can't live without- American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, The Biggest Loser... they've all been "must see t.v." for me at some point and I don't miss them at all when I'm not up on the current season. I am convinced that this addiction to sweets and emotional eating is for the most part, the same. It is a much harder habit to break, for sure. But, once enough time passes, the cravings lessen if not disappear. Habits change, I learn to reward myself and comfort myself in healthy ways. Unlike soap operas, desserts can likely have an appropriate, minimal place in my life at some point. But they won't control me.

One last thing. On Saturday, I made our favorite "special breakfast," Dutch Babies. For those of you who don't know what this is, think family-sized baked, puffed pancake. Its not a very sweet dish to begin with, but this time I decreased the sugar even more. I was amazed, when I took the first bite, how much sweeter it tasted to me than the last time I ate it! This was after 12 or so days with no sweets and a very low sugar diet. It dawned on me that the process is working!! My tastes are changing! My taste buds are not so used to experiencing sweet all the time and I don't need my food to be as sweet as I used to!!! This was a wonderful realization. I was so encouraged!! I hope those of you who are reading this find it encouraging and inspiring, too.

I'm excited to keep pressing forward, keeping you posted on the progress. With God's grace, freedom is possible!!

(Heading to a conference this week, will probably be another week or so until I can blog again. Thanks for reading!)