I surrender ALL...

So I'm not a very consistent blogger.  But that does not mean that I'm not continuing along in this process!  Quite the contrary- it has been a remarkable month.

Its hard to know where to begin.  I think I last posted after my breakdown when I found myself binging again, even though it wasn't on sweets.  Clearly, this struggle is not JUST about sugar, though sugar plays a major role.  The next couple weeks leading up to Easter were just ok.  I continued to abstain from sweets, but my cravings did not subside.  I continued to wish that I could have them.  The mental battle was exhausting.  Easter was the time that I had decided I would try sweets again, in moderation.  Theoretically, it takes 6 weeks to form a habit, and it had been 6 weeks since I went off of them.  I was ready to be done, I thought.  But as Easter approached, my cravings intensified.  I prayed about it, hoping that there would be some change, never considering that perhaps I wasn't finished with this process yet.  The night before Easter Joe and I went out on a date and I decided it was close enough and bought myself a big chocolate cookie.  No big deal, I thought.  Though I did feel incredibly guilty- all those old thoughts of "cheating" crept back in.  I didn't really enjoy it, but of course ate the whole thing.  On Easter we had friends over and had a wonderful, healthy dinner.  There was dessert- berry crisp and homemade ice cream.  I did pretty well.  One serving... and a little more ice cream later.  Monday dawned and it was bad news from the moment I woke up.  I was right back in sugar mode.  I took my kids to Corner Bakery and ate a huge cinnamon chip muffin in about 5 minutes.  At home I followed it with candy, cereal, and anything else crunchy or sweet I could get my hands on.  I even made a batch of no-bake cookie dough, ate half of it and threw the rest away.  My kids didn't even know what I was doing as they sat watching TV in the next room.  We ordered pizza and cheesy breadsticks for dinner (why the heck not?), then more cereal, more ice cream... and on and on.  By the end of the day I wanted to throw up- both physically and emotionally.  Wow.  Again.  Seriously??  And with a vengeance.  What was the point of the last 6 weeks??

When Joe got home from work I confessed.  We sat on the couch and I sobbed uncontrollably, finally admitting that I needed to take this sugar addiction thing very seriously.  I had tried to bring it under control- on my terms.  On my timeline.  Even though I said I was giving up sweets, I always believed it was only for a little while and that I didn't need to be extensive in the changes to my diet.  I never tried to follow a proven method to get off it- I was convinced that it wasn't that hard and I could do it my way.

So I ordered a couple of books on the topic and began preparing for the real deal.  This meant eliminating ALL sugar, which I learned also included all refined grains (flour) from my diet.  No cereal, no bread, no crackers, no pasta, etc.  Even though they don't taste sweet, our bodies respond to it all basically the same way.  This was scary.  And depressing.  I couldn't believe how many times I found myself crying over the thought of these changes.  Both the idea of never being able to taste these foods again, and the thought of being so different from those around me- not being able to share in celebrations or gatherings like everyone else- was devastating. It seemed so unfair.  And the weight of the sacrifices kept getting heavier and heavier.  Was it worth it?  Was this really necessary?  And then I looked at the alternative:  being on the hamster wheel again.  Fighting cravings or feeling guilty about giving in.  Being consumed with thoughts of food.  Never being satisfied.  Feeling like a slave to exercise.  And on a larger scale, mood swings.  True bouts with depression.  Sugar highs and brutal crashes.  The tiredness.  Anger, impulsiveness, and teaching my kids these same habits.  I felt trapped.  Neither alternative felt right.  I'm supposed to be seeking freedom, but by going off sugar I was creating even more rules and boundaries for myself in order to be free of sugar.  That's not the life I want to live!  But I felt like there was no choice.  For my family, for my sanity, I had to continue moving forward.

5 days ago I got to a true breaking point.  Joe was gone working late and I was reading, reading, reading.  I was starting my third book on the topic in 9 days.  And I kept feeling heavier and heavier.  Like the words themselves were pushing me into the ground.  I finally put the book down and picked up my journal and the desperation poured out of my pen onto the paper:  "My head is spinning out of control.  There is so much information, so many methods... I want to say forget it and throw in the towel... Its going to drive me to insanity soon.  God, I can't do this anymore!!!  I'm not strong enough!...HOW DO I DO THIS?  Moderation sounds wonderful.  That's what I want, desperately!  But I've always failed at moderation.  It always becomes about rules and then breaking them.  Always.  And so I make MORE rules... more and more... on and on.  And its still all I think about.  I want to say I'm done.  I quit."

And then I put down my pen, crying, and sat in silence.  And waited. I finally sensed that I really DID need to give up.  That's what He'd been asking me to do all along.  And then He brought the words of an old hymn to mind:

"All to Jesus, I surrender, all to Him I freely give;  I will ever love and trust Him, in His presence daily live.  I surrender all, I surrender all, all to Thee, my blessed Savior, I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender; humbly at His feet I bow, worldly pleasures all forsaken; take me, Jesus, take me now.  I surrender all...

All to Jesus I surrender; make me Savior wholly thine; fill me with thy love and power; truly know that thou art mine.  I surrender all..."

And like steam clearing from a mirror, I began to see what I needed to do.  I didn't need to die to the cravings, or die to the food.  I needed to die to myself.  This wasn't about me and I'd been trying very hard to make it be about me from the beginning.  My methods, my timeline, my plan.

This was about Christ.

"Then He said to them all, 'if anyone would come after Me he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.  For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Me will save it.'"  Luke 9:23, 24

When I looked up surrender in the dictionary, these were some of the definitions I found:
- To yield something to the possession or power of another; deliver up possession on demand or under duress.
- To give up, abandon or relinquish
- To yield or resign
- To give oneself up, as to the power of another; submit or yield.

I didn't need to "say no" to sweets.  I didn't need to "cut them out" or take any other drastic, legalistic measure.  I needed to utterly and completely surrender them and the associated habits.  I needed to stop trying to change myself, give up, and trust God to do it.  The funny thing about this revelation is that it doesn't change much about what I had been doing from the outside.  My diet is drastically different than what it was.   I still need to let go of lots of foods I previously ate all the time.  And its working- I do see a wonderful difference in my behavior, moods and thoughts as a result. There is science behind this struggle and following the suggestions of experts has been helpful.  With my surrender I didn't get the go-ahead to start eating sugar again though I hoped I might.  I don't know if I ever will.  But the motivation is different.  I don't feel like there is a set of rules in place that I'm trying to live under and resenting.

The following passage in Galatians has been particularly powerful in understanding God's plan in all of this:

"So I say, live by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.  For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature.  They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want.  But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law."  Galatians 5:16-18

So how do I live by the Spirit?  This was something I never really understood.  I'm seeing that it means to seek to know the Lord more deeply than I ever have before and lean on Him every moment.  Spend time in the Bible and prayer each day- real time.  Get to know Him intimately.  Memorize verses.  And ask Him to help me surrender, ask Him to prepare me for what is ahead today, to give me what I need to face it.  Admit that I cannot do it- He has to.  I'm dependent on Him. I give up.  As I breathe in and breathe out, Christ.  And then an amazing thing happens.  Though the sacrifice appears the same from the outside, I'm not "under the law"... weighted down by, burdened by, and oppressed by the law.  (For me right now, "the law" translates to restrictions on my diet and the responsibility to resist cravings and temptations that come my way.)

The heaviness is gone for the first time.  My cravings are subsiding, significantly.  I have joy and peace.  I don't know what the future holds.  I don't have a timeline.  And I don't feel the need to be to the extreme of legalism because I don't feel scared of sugar and refined flour.  Its a quantity thing (including sugar, fake sugar and refined flour).  To be free, I need to have very, very little in my diet.  But I still have a little honey in my coffee.  And its ok.  And I can still have wheat toast with my eggs in the morning. And its fine.  The sugar in fruit is fine too, especially when I eat it with some fatty protein like nuts or peanut butter.  I tried some frozen yogurt the other day and it wasn't a huge deal, but I didn't feel good about where my thoughts went afterwards, so next time I'll pass.  I'm learning, and being patient with myself.  I don't feel sad about not having chocolate or cookies or ice cream.   They have never satisfied me the way I hope they will, the flavor only lasts for a moment and then I just want more.  The emptiness of their absence is filling up with Christ and He is so much better.  Grace is a beautiful thing.  Living each day by God's strength and not my own is such a relief.  And getting a taste of true freedom  is better than any dessert.

I don't know if this is forever.  Its for now.  Its for today.  He will always give me what I need for today.

Humble Pie

"...clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, 'God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.' Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be self controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." - 1 Peter 5:5-8

So this is exactly the kind of blog I was hoping that I wouldn't have to write. But if I'm honest, its probably the one that will be the most impacting. And the whole reason that I started writing was so that these struggles of mine could be brought into the light and spoken about openly, believing that others struggle like I do. And that my honesty and vulnerability will challenge others to move towards admitting their own struggles, letting go, healing and freedom.

Here goes...

Saturday was rough. Not on the surface, but in my heart and in my mind. I should have known. I know better than to begin my day without quiet, alone time with God. I've developed such a faithful habit lately, waking early to read my Bible, pray and journal. It doesn't always appear to have a huge impact, but it does. Beginning the day focused on and surrendered to Christ is key to victory over ALL struggles and sins.

Anyway, Saturday morning we slept in ("sleeping in" for Joe and I means sleeping until 6:30 when the boys get up.) It was a big day- my son Joey had his first belt test for Tae Kwon Do and we were all excited. I drove the boys to the testing location at 8:30 and Joe met us there after his workout. I stayed for an hour or so, but then took Levi home. At age 2 1/2, there was no way he was going to tolerate the 6 hour event. Levi and I had an alright time at home- quiet, a little bored, always kind of waiting and wondering when the other guys would be back.

Joe had forgotten his cash so was unable to buy much in the way of snacks for them. By 2:30 pm when they finally finished, they were all starving. Joe mentioned that he was going to stop on the way home and pick something up. They arrived home with a huge bag from KFC- fried chicken, biscuits and mashed potatoes. Delicious, salty, fatty fast food. We sat down at 4pm for a very odd early dinner. I was completely thrown off of my eating "routine," nibbling a little of the KFC and having a bowl of cereal to finish it off. I know I said I wasn't going to eat cereal, that it was a trigger food for me, but at the time it seemed better than a buttery biscuit. Saying no altogether didn't really occur to me even though I wasn't actually hungry.

That strange snack set in motion a 6 hour binge that left me feeling stuffed, uncomfortable and defeated. I think I consumed 6 bowls of cereal over the course of the evening along with some bread and butter and a burrito for "dinner" in the midst of it though no one else was hungry for an actual dinner after the early meal. (of course, neither was I.) I can't remember if I ate anything else... probably. No sweets though. Ironically, I stuck to that commitment. I wasn't angry, I wasn't depressed, I wasn't experiencing any particular emotion that would drive me to eat, though it would have still been wrong if I had been. I was just overcome by the desire to eat. To chew. To taste. To swallow. To get more and taste again. It was just plain cravings. It was gluttony. It was sin. And it had complete control.

Today as I've spent time praying, reading my Bible, journaling and thinking about what happened, I am so humbled. Again and again I believe that I'm strong enough, that I've got this. And of course I don't. The moment my defenses are down, the moment I'm caught off guard, temptation surges in and I feel unable to resist it. I MUST begin every day on my knees before my Lord, admitting my weakness and giving Him complete authority. Submitting to Him, confessing sin, dying to myself and surrendering.

There are going to be more days like yesterday. More days that are different, when my routine gets messed up. I can't rely on my routine to bring victory. I must rely on my God.

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers (and sisters), in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God- this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- His good, pleasing and perfect will. For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgement, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you." Romans 12:1-3

I've been seeing today that this is much more about why and when I eat than it is about what I eat. I've always known this. I may have mentioned it in an earlier post. I think that for some of us, eliminating certain trigger foods- whether it be for a time or forever- can be helpful by removing the greatest temptation. I will stick with my commitment to no sweets for this reason, and firmly add cereal/crackers/chips to that list. However, the bigger issue here is the action of eating for self centered reasons. I think there are two appropriate reasons to eat and two only. The biggest and most obvious being hunger- we need to fuel our bodies. The second being fellowship/community. Sharing a meal with loved ones is an extremely meaningful event. (and hopefully, living a self controlled life, one would be coming hungry to a meal with others!!) God created food to taste good and of course he means us to enjoy it... in the context of those two situations. In my journey, this brings me to snacking. And not necessarily just snacking on "bad foods," but the habit of snacking in general. Why do I do it?? Is my stomach genuinely growling between meals telling me I need a bit of something to help me make it until its time to eat again? Sometimes. But most of the time I snack because its "snack time." This is what I'm going to be praying about this week. This is a habit I've been clinging to that is setting me up for wrong, destructive, self-centered behavior. I very rarely struggle with food abuse in a meal-time situation. Its almost always between meals or after dinner in the late evening. Perhaps God is nudging me that its time to let go. Time to allow more space- in my day, in my mind and in my stomach.

Beyond the high

Wow!! Two weeks since my last post. That went fast! I went to Dallas for a yoga training conference, then my mom was here to visit, and then, well, life. I have to tell you that I'm not feeling very creative or inspired tonight so I apologize if this is a little blah. But sometimes, blah is good.

I'm sure that all of you reading this have been on a diet at some point. If you've been successful, you've lost some, if not all of the weight you hoped to lose. Its exhilarating, isn't it?? The feeling of your clothes becoming looser, the compliments and sometimes shocked comments, the numbers dropping on the scale. Its a total high. I think that the positive reinforcements are the strongest motivator to keep going- its so exciting to transform for the better. However, every diet ends, right? Most of us go back to the way we were living/eating before and the pounds slowly creep back on. A few of us change our lifestyle long-term and maintain a lower, healthier weight. Either way, all those great side benefits cease. Your clothes just feel like your clothes, the compliments cease because people get used to your new shape, the scale stops changing or even goes the other direction. Life becomes normal. And perhaps, you replace the high of dieting and losing weight with the old and familiar high of over-indulgence.

This process of letting go of sweets and processed junk food has felt a bit like a diet, though my goal isn't weight loss and the scale hasn't changed. But there has been a bit of a high for a time- the high of being successful, seeing that I can indeed say no, feeling powerful realizing that food doesn't have to control me, finding out what the Bible has to say about gluttony and addiction, beginning to feel free of the grip these foods have had on me. But just like a diet, the high begins to fade and it gets a little... boring. Routine. Same ol', same ol'.

That's where I'm at now. And this is when the REAL test begins. The novelty is gone and I'm really beginning the process of forming new habits, routines and thought patterns. I am 32 days into this journey. 32 days!! That's a loooooong time for the old me. I had actually lost count until I looked at my calendar just now. I'm slowly getting used to saying no to sweets and junk, but new situations are always presenting themselves and it always requires pulling up the old bootstraps and gritting my teeth and going without though I'm still so programmed to want to say "YES, PLEASE!!" Sometimes, its hard to even remember that I need to say no.

But here's what's been really helpful as I begin to form these new habits, this new way of living. In addition to recognizing that this is an addiction that I'm overcoming, its helpful to think of myself with other people who give up foods for important reasons, namely vegetarians and those with food allergies or food sensitivities. In reality, I DO have a sugar sensitivity. (Most of us do.) And rather than think of it as something I'm choosing to give up for a while (which always leads to a battle in my mind and the temptation to end the fast early), I'm thinking of it as a life long change that I'm making for my health and well being. My old habits are deeply ingrained and it takes a very long time to learn new ones and especially new ways of thinking. For example, that I can have a friend over for dinner and not serve dessert and believe that she's still blessed by the hospitality and enjoyed herself. Or that I can have my period and NOT have chocolate... and feel just fine. Or that people will be ok if I say no when offered something. I'm realizing that some people just don't care for sweets (like my dear husband) and no one gets offended when the offer is politely declined. I've just personally never felt like I could say no. Or didn't see any reason to.

I am often surprised by the struggle that still pops up when faced with sweets. But its getting easier. And the changes in my mind and heart and life are remarkable. First and foremost, I have not been tempted to binge. It has definitely crossed my mind many times. But when I'm only eating wholesome foods that aren't loaded with sugar, fat and salt, the craving just isn't as strong. Its truly amazing. Beyond that, life just feels quieter and calmer. Its easier to eat meals and snacks at designated times and not be fighting the urge to eat all day long. Before I began this process it was common for entire days to be oriented around what I was craving and how to get it or how to work off the sins of the past few days. Indulgence, guilt, indulgence, guilt, etc, etc, etc. I love not being in that cycle!! As I noted in a previous post, my tastes are changing. I enjoy foods that are much less sweet now- truly enjoy them! I also appreciate the other flavors and smells so much more. And the huge side benefit to all this is that my kids are also learning to enjoy a life with less sugar. (Though they still have sweets occasionally.) It makes me so proud to see them trying and liking new foods, being adventurous and slowly beginning to care about making healthy choices.

Anyway, that's probably enough for tonight. I am so thankful to be on this journey and am kind of still amazed that I'm actually on it. Sometimes I have a hard time believing that I really am being transformed. Thankfully its God who is giving me the strength and conviction to keep pressing forward. I have seen what happens when I try to overcome this addiction in my own strength and it is not pretty.

"I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

P.S. Watch for some resource references coming soon. I've discovered some pretty incredible articles on food addiction/sugar addiction and want to share them with you.

The Soap Opera Phenomenon

So its been a while since my last post! Sorry about that! I intended to blog twice a week, but life just got in the way this time. I'm thankful to report that I'm still plugging along in my "death to sugar addiction" adventure. I'm at day 15 with no sweets (desserts, candy, sweet pastries, etc.) I'm also cutting out other trigger snacks like crackers, cereal and other crunchy, processed simple carbohydrates. The goal, as I've stated, is not a certain amount of time going without them, or a certain number on the scale. The goal is loss of the craving. To not be compelled to eat them whenever I'm around them... to be able to say no. And to choose to say no most of the time.

Instead of processed crackers and cereal, I've been snacking on mostly veggies, fruit and nuts, also low sugar nonfat greek yogurt. I've lowered the sugar in my coffee to half a teaspoon, and am totally done with no-calorie sweeteners. I have not had any late night binges (this is the greatest acomplishment, thank you, Lord!!). I eat a light, healthy snack in the evening but NOT in front of a screen (my other big goal). I'm also trying to get used to ending meals without a sweet taste in my mouth. This is a tough one. I find myself wanting even just a bite of fruit- a strawberry or a bite of banana. There's nothing wrong with these things of course, but in this case they are substituting for dessert, fulfilling that need for sweet, not acting as part of a balanced meal.

Its been an encouraging process overall. Let me be honest- Its not without struggle and temptation. I went to a women's luncheon at church a week ago and knew that there would be chocolate- I mean, it was a WOMEN'S luncheon, after all. As I suspected, there was chocolate at every place setting as well as a plate of brownies and chocolate chip cookies in the center of every table. I let my accountability partner know where I was and that I was holding to my goals and saying no. Accountability helps so much!! And I enjoyed the luncheon very much, even without dessert. Now, am I saying that there shouldn't have been sweets and those women were evil to put them on the table?? No, of course not. Sweets can be an appropriate and wonderful thing to have on occasion. However, I do question the fact that we seem to assume that there HAS TO be chocolate if its a women's function. "Chocolate is a woman's best friend," and so forth. This shouldn't be the assumption! This is not how I want to live. I want to get to the point that I can enjoy a sweet treat occasionally without feeling like it controls me, or that its not a worthwhile event without dessert.

I drove out to my husband's work today to pick up some medicine for my baby. On the way back, my first thought was, "I should stop at Starbucks and treat us all to cake pops." Why? Because I successfully picked up the medication? We deserve a reward for that? I've gotten to the point that every unusual circumstance, rough day or slight achievement calls for a celebration or pampering with sweets. First of all, sweets should not be treated as a reward!! I am where I am today because of telling myself over and over that I "deserve" dessert. Second, even when there is a reason to celebrate and sweets are part of that celebration, my qualifications for celebrating have gotten really low. A birthday, yes. Picking up medication, no. Its fascinating to walk through these moments of temptation with an observant perspective. I see the way that my brain and emotions react, the way cravings flare up and thoughts consume me. Rather than feeling defeated, I just realize that I'm not there yet and I need to press on.

When I was a pre-teen and young teenager I got really into soap operas. General Hospital and Days of Our Lives were my favorites. I would watch them at my dad's with my step sister, and at my best friend's house. I was completely absorbed in the story lines, thought about the characters all the time and couldn't wait for the next episode to see what would happen next. I was so frustrated when I had to miss a few days. Then, a significant amount of time would pass without me being able to keep up with the shows. And to my amazement, rather than missing them that much more, I DIDN'T miss them. Not even a little. I forgot the plot lines and realized that the shows didn't need to be a part of my life. I find that the same phenomenon holds true as an adult with any show I think I can't live without- American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, The Biggest Loser... they've all been "must see t.v." for me at some point and I don't miss them at all when I'm not up on the current season. I am convinced that this addiction to sweets and emotional eating is for the most part, the same. It is a much harder habit to break, for sure. But, once enough time passes, the cravings lessen if not disappear. Habits change, I learn to reward myself and comfort myself in healthy ways. Unlike soap operas, desserts can likely have an appropriate, minimal place in my life at some point. But they won't control me.

One last thing. On Saturday, I made our favorite "special breakfast," Dutch Babies. For those of you who don't know what this is, think family-sized baked, puffed pancake. Its not a very sweet dish to begin with, but this time I decreased the sugar even more. I was amazed, when I took the first bite, how much sweeter it tasted to me than the last time I ate it! This was after 12 or so days with no sweets and a very low sugar diet. It dawned on me that the process is working!! My tastes are changing! My taste buds are not so used to experiencing sweet all the time and I don't need my food to be as sweet as I used to!!! This was a wonderful realization. I was so encouraged!! I hope those of you who are reading this find it encouraging and inspiring, too.

I'm excited to keep pressing forward, keeping you posted on the progress. With God's grace, freedom is possible!!

(Heading to a conference this week, will probably be another week or so until I can blog again. Thanks for reading!)

Ready, set, die.

Now there's a crazy, morbid title, huh? Read on...

Its Saturday evening. My husband is out of town for the weekend, working. It was a long evening with the kids and I'm tired and burnt out. I'm a little lonely if I'm honest. I'm not used to quiet. And what I want to do... what I REALLY want to do... is shut the door to my 6 year old's bedroom for the night, pour myself a bowl of crunchy cereal and sit down in front of the t.v. And then have another bowl. And then the rest of that box of crackers. And then hit up the kids' candy box- there is lots of chocolate left over from Valentines Day. And then, since I poured the ice cream down the drain earlier today, probably settle for another bowl of cereal. That's what I want. That's what I do- pretty much every evening that I'm alone.

But not tonight. Tonight as the thoughts race around in my head as usual, as I fantasize about that moment of relief when I sit down for the night and sink my teeth into something crunchy and sweet, I remember that its not going to be what I do anymore. Its not going to be who I am anymore. But how?

I'm dying.

"My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."

Galatians 2:20

The binge eater is dying. The girl with a raging sweet tooth is dying. The secret keeper is dying. The wrapper and carton concealer is dying. The sneak, the glutton, the food worshiper... enough!! I want freedom more than I want chocolate. And I am surrendering the cravings and habits to my Jesus and trusting Him to bring new and beautiful life out of this death.

Thankfully, I'm not alone. I couldn't do this alone. Its one of the reasons I began this blog- I need accountability! We all do when dealing with habitual sin. I need to know in my mind that if I go back on my word I'll have to 'fess up right here. I also have a friend walking through this with me right here where I live. A precious woman who, with tears in her eyes and fists tightly clenched, admitted yesterday that she shares these struggles and wants freedom, too. She's terrified. I relate. Its a big deal!! A huge deal. I'm so grateful for her.

So what's the plan? Its actually not that complicated: to lay down the addictive foods and habits that control us for a relatively undefined amount of time- perhaps 6 weeks, but as long as it takes. The goal is total loss of cravings and compulsions, breaking of these habits and complete surrender. To come to a place of peace where we can honestly say, "If I never had sweets again it would be ok." (For me this means saying goodbye to sweet foods, desserts, candy, crunchy processed snacks like cereal, crackers, chips, and also trying to eliminate added sugar and no-calorie sweetener as much as possible from the rest of my diet) It also means letting go of eating in front of the tv, computer or any screen.

What happens next is something I'm still praying about and working through. But I think it will be a continuation of a similar lifestyle- maintaining the habit of not eating in front of screens because for me this is a HUGE trigger, continuing with a diet that is much lower in sugar than mine currently has been, and living life as a person who just doesn't eat sweets that often or ever when I'm by myself. Desserts will be something I say no to often and enjoy very occasionally in the company of friends or family, in very modest quantities. Never in secret. Never as a reward or a treat or a comfort. This is new for me. Revolutionary. To be someone who's life doesn't revolve around sweets and food whether I'm eating it or trying to resist it. Its hard to picture, but its possible and I'm headed in that direction. I'm so ready to be free.

Beautiful boundaries

As I've been perusing youtube videos and various websites about sugar addiction, I've discovered a common theme: "SUGAR IS POISON." And I wholeheartedly disagree. It is not sugar (whether in sweets or simple carbs like crackers, etc) that is to blame, but our abuse of it that has caused this problem in our culture. There are people who have a normal relationship with sugar who are able to take it or leave it, to eat it occasionally and enjoy it without letting it control them. More importantly, God created sugar for us to enjoy! He created sugar cane, He designed bees to make honey, He made fruit sweet so we (and other animals) would want to eat it.

But as our culture "advances," and corporations learn more about the addictive potential of sugary foods (salty/fatty foods have a similar effect), sugar content goes up and we crave more and more. Advertisements tell us that its an indulgence, a reward, that we deserve it- need it, even. Cake pops and candies dance around like ballerinas, chocolate seductively pours while the camera zooms in, women slowly lick the ice cream from their spoons in ecstasy. And we believe it. I certainly have. And instead of sweets being truly a "sometimes food," a term I use frequently with my kids, sweets become a daily necessity. I find myself having a hard time remembering the last day I DIDN'T have a sweet drink, a chocolate, candy, ice cream, a cookie, a scone, something.

I don't want to be a sugar nazi. Remember, I'm striving for BALANCE, discipline and FREEDOM. For now, eliminating as much sugar as possible from my diet is what is necessary. Total surrender. End the addiction. Change the behavior. However, true freedom to me means being able to go out to dinner, or have dinner with friends or cook for my family and enjoy the time without fretting about ingredients and inconveniencing people because of my specific dietary restrictions. Freedom means saying "no" to sweets most of the time and saying "yes" occasionally to a modest serving. Desserts can be a wonderful part of fellowship, whether its taking your kids out to ice cream, savoring pumpkin pie at thanksgiving, having a piece of birthday cake at a party or sharing a slice of cheesecake with your spouse. But for me, they have become the focus. The thought of not having any is terrible and I can't say no. And they are not something I have enjoyed occasionally, but rather all the time... usually daily.

Balance and boundaries. There are other wonderful things that become dangerous when boundaries are removed- take sex for example. Sex was created by God to be a beautiful act enjoyed within the boundaries of marriage to create intimacy, pleasure and of course children! Remove that important boundary and enter in heartbreak, STD's, unplanned pregnancies, affairs and pornography. Money, alcohol, television (to name just a few)... they can all be useful and enjoyable when appropriate boundaries are in place. Take the boundaries away and watch the problems arise.

Balance is tricky. Boundaries are vital. I am seeking to learn to implement and honor them in the area of food the same way I respect them in other areas of my life.

*Check out the "Ghiradelli Rendezvoux" commercial on youtube to see a great example of a company telling us we need sweets.

Frozen Boyfriends

Its only day 3 of this journey towards eliminating my sugar addiction, ending my compulsive eating, and becoming free of this burden I've carried for so long. Day 3. The Carpenters' song, "We've only just begun..." springs to mind. Its hard even to take myself seriously, let alone believe anyone else will. I've been here in some form or another so many times. Hundreds. So why is this time different? (Assuming of course that it IS different) Well, this is the first time I've been honest about what I'm struggling with. Most people know that the way you break an addiction (smoking, drinking, drugs, etc) is by completely removing it from your life. No one takes a smoker attempting to quit seriously if she says, "Well, I'm just going to have one a day from now on. I'm feeling strong- I can be self controlled." They know its only a matter of time before she's back at it. Its virtually impossible to quit without complete elimination, a defined plan and accountability. I've realized that I'm very much like that smoker. I've been trying to manage this rather than get rid of it completely. I've become so attached to my sweets that I can't imagine life without them. So I wean myself back, sometimes going without for a while or just having a bite of dark chocolate in the afternoon hoping it will curb the craving. I always intend to reintroduce them, hoping I will all of a sudden be self controlled or even better, not crave them anymore without any real effort on my part. But I never truly get over it. I always long for them and debate when its ok to have them again. Has it been long enough? (I could never go forever!) Its scary, sad, depressing, boring and seemingly impossible to imagine life without sweets. As I look those emotions in the face I am so convicted. Really?? They have sunk their claws in that deep?

I was watching a few minutes of "The Revolution" today, a new makeover show. Their current makeover-ee (??) is 3 months into her weight loss process and hasn't dropped nearly what she should have. She's exercising some and supposedly eating healthy. But then the trainer looked in her freezer and found her stash of ice cream. The show then flashed back to a clip of her at the beginning of the process, showing the camera her ice cream and cooing over it as she took bites, calling the cartons her "frozen boyfriends." Wow. She said it out loud. I laughed as I realized that this is such a perfect term!! Well boys, its time to break up.

Its ironic that I'm entering this process around the time of Lent. Today is Ash Wednesday. How many times have I "given up sweets for lent," secretly hoping I'd lose 5 pounds and not crave sweets anymore when the season was complete, but fully intending to enjoy Easter candy, desserts and treats the day lent ended. My focus has been so wrong. On the surface I've desired to be free of the temptation and the battle with the scale, but my heart has refused to let go. Deep down I am so attached, so in love with these foods that I always hope there can be a compromise. As long as I don't have to let go... all the way.

Slavery. Wrapped in a candy-coated shell.